The Definition Of Normal
by aurorascar
Summary: A Saturday afternoon at the office researching a case leads to a bad joke that, inadvertently, results in Creegan and Branca having a talk about ‘the birds and the bees’. Based on the American version of Touching Evil


Branca walks through the empty and silent halls of OSC headquarters, carrying a large stack of files. Dressed in a loose-fitting lavender sweater and jeans, she looks more ready to go to the park instead of spending her Saturday, researching cases so she can get into the mind of a serial killer. She reaches Creegan and hers office and is startled to see him leaning back in one of the chairs at their desk, eyes closed.

He hears her come in, "Just put them on the desk and get me some coffee, regular not de-caf."  
She gives him a thin smile and walks over and dumps the files in his lap. Their weight knocks the wind out him.

"Now, how did you want your coffee again?"

He grimaces as he picks the files out of his lap, "Well, there goes any chance of me reproducing again."  
Branca talks a seat in a chair on the other side of the desk, "And the world breaths a collective sigh of relief."

Creegan grins, "Aww, com'on, Susan, don't you want more little Creegans running around in the world? It'd be great… We could have like a zoo… exhibits and everything."

"One of the exhibits would have to be the woman would have sex with you."

He takes a swig from the can of pop sitting on the corner of the desk, "I'll have to remember to tell Holly that next time I go to pick up the girls."

Branca puts down the file she had just started reading and looks right him, "You know what I mean, David."

He sets down the can of pop, "No, I don't think I do. Are you trying to say that no woman would have sex with a crazy man?"

Branca gets up and fills a paper cup from the water cooler in the corner of the office, "I'm just saying that I would have to question their own mental state, that's all."

"Okay, so only a crazy woman would have sex with a crazy man?"

She lets out an exasperated sigh and takes a sip of water, still standing over by the cooler, "I really don't think this is a conversation we should be having."

"What are you afraid of? We're the only ones here," he waves around his arms to prove his point, "You opened up the door and I really wanna know what you think."

"You do, huh?"

"Yes, I value your opinion. Besides, I'd like to know my chances of ever getting laid again." Branca lets a nervous laugh escape. She wasn't used to talking about touchy subjects like sex with such bluntness but with Creegan, blunt was the only way one could talk about anything. She decides to try and shift some of the nervousness to Creegan and put him in the hot seat.

"Well, David, let me put it this way- can you think of one woman that you know who you think would have sex with you?"

"Sandra Bullock."

Branca sits back down at the desk, shaking her head, "And, yes, David, while we're in 'The Land Of Make Believe' why don't you do Brittney Spears?"

Creegan pulls a face, "Please, Susan, give me a little credit for taste!"

Branca tries to hold back a giggle, but fails horribly, "Okay, sorry."

She picks up a file, and once again, tries to read it. Creegan flips through part of the stack in front of him. He then starts to play with the pen that Branca had bought him awhile back- it lights up when you write with it. He doodles on a piece of scratch paper just so he can see the light. Branca can hear his fussing as she reads.

"Bored already?"

"I just don't think this is how we're gonna find this guy."

"Well, this is what Enright told us to do so we're going to do it."

"I guess."

He puts down the pen and stares at Branca, so engrossed in her reading. He tilts his head in thought.

"I think you would have sex with me, Susan."

Branca, who is mid-sip, has to turn her head away quickly to avoid spitting water all over the file and the desk. She coughs for a few seconds and, then, sets down the cup and whips her mouth. Her face is turning a lovely shade of crimson as she tries to regain her composure.

"Are you going to be okay there?"

She nods and takes a few deep breaths, "I… ah… I wasn't expecting you to say that, that's all."

"Oh… So I'm wrong?"

"I-"

She stops mid-thought and looks at Creegan, searching his face for any sign that he is joking- she doesn't see any. He just tilts his head, again, waiting for her answer.

"David, I… I'm not sure exactly how to answer you."

"I believe the words you are looking for are, 'Oh, David, if I had the chance, I'd jump your bones in five seconds flat!' or 'You're out of fucking mind you asshole! I wouldn't screw you if you were the last man on Earth!'."

He finishes his thought, straight-faced through the whole thing, and waits for her reply.

Branca buries her face in her hands- she's never been so embarrassed! Creegan grins at this.

"David," she mumbles through her hands, "you are an asshole."

"Heh, tell me something I don't know."

"You're not going to let this drop, are you?"

"Nope."

She takes her head out of her hands and looks out the glass wall in the office that over-looks the main floor of the OSC, "I can not believe I am having a conversation this juvenile. You're not uncomfortable talking about this in any way, are you?"

"One of the perks of having no shame," he leans back in the chair and puts his hands behind his head, "Listen, Susan, you are talking to a guy who has only gotten laid once in the past three years. I've got some issues with pent up sexual frustration. That combined with the fact that men think about sex, on average, every 7 seconds makes my mind a little less than decent."

Branca decides not to ask who 'the one in three years' woman was, "Once in three years… That's a lot of restraint."

Creegan shrugs, "I don't need to complicate my life any more than it already is right now… But that doesn't mean I don't think about it once in awhile."

"'Once in while', huh?" she is happy to be putting some pressure on Creegan and off of her.

"Okay, so any time I'm not thinking about a case or out with my girls, I wacking off. Happy?"

Branca practically falls out of her chair, "Oh, God, I did not need to know that!"

"Yeah, but you wanted to ask me. Some idea of properness kept you from asking so I decided to help you out and answer your question."

Branca covers her mouth as she laughs. This was the most absurd conversation she had had since she was a teenager and she knew she should be the serious one and reign Creegan in but, some how, this conversation was far more interesting than the facts of some ancient crime. She rests her head in the palm of her hand and cracks a grin at Creegan.

"What?"

"It's scary."

"What?"

"And a little sad, too, I guess."

"Creegan chuckles, "What?"

"That's exactly what I was thinking about."

He claps his hands and throws back his head, laughing at the ceiling, "I knew I wasn't the only one with a dirty mind in this unit!"

She sets the file back on the desk and leans across, "You're not the only one with pent up sexual frustration."

Creegan is genuinely shocked, "Susan, I think I'm rubbing off on you."

She sits back, "I really hope that is what it is."

"What? Are you afraid that this is what you really are- a crazy person?"

"Well," she furrows her brow in thought, "I guess that would depend on your definition of crazy."

"Would you say that I'm crazy?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

"We can start with me as a baseline."

Branca closes her eyes and just grins again, "That's a pretty steep baseline."

Creegan shrugs, "Gotta start somewhere."

She takes a deep breath, "Yeah."

"For the sake of discussion, let's say you are crazy."

"Okay."

"Now, as a crazy person, who just happens to be a woman, would you have sex with me?"

"Are we really going to go into that again?"

"I'm curious and the way you keep avoiding the question is making me even more curious. You do know that you don't have to worry about upsetting me, right?"

"Of course I do," she realizes that, for some reason, the question isn't disturbing her as much as it did initially, "It's just an awkward question, David. No one's every asked me that."

"I don't believe that."

"I mean, they've never come out and asked it… just like that."

"I thought women liked men who were honest and upfront with them."

"Yeah, we do but we're surprised when we actually come across a man who is all that."

"I surprise you?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Yes, you surprise me."

"Heh, well would you have sex with a man who surprises you and who is, admittedly, crazy?"

Branca considers him for a moment, "Well, David, don't take this the wrong way, but-," she bites her lip and hesitates, "You want to know the truth?" Creegan nods.

She furrows her brow, in thought, and studies her partner's face for a moment before continuing, "Okay, David, if you weren't my partner, and one or both of us didn't work for the OSC and, some how, we just happened to run into each other walking down the street," she pauses and looks away from him, finding something of consuming interest on the desk in front of her, "In that narrow instance, then, yes, I would."

"You 'would' what?" he plays with his pen, trying not to look like he knew what she was talking about.

She watches him playing with the pen and shakes her head, grinning, "I can't believe I'm telling you this- yes, David Creegan, I would have sex with you."

He sets down the pen and grins back at her, "And I can't believe you didn't tell me sooner."

"Don't take it as an invite and don't get any ideas!"

He stares at her, "Do you honestly think I would?"

She laughs as she realizes how silly she had just acted, "No, I don't think you would. Most any other man would, but not you."

"Because I'm not normal."

"Because you're David Creegan and, minus some little quirks-"

"Like the fact that I'm completely bat-shit insane."

She pushes on, "Minus some little quirks you're a good and decent guy."

He gives her a bemused look.

"What?"

"Thanks. At least I know I haven't lost everything including some semblance of sex appeal."

His sincere ness throws her off but she tries not to show it, "You're welcome. Now, let's never talk about this again."

He chuckles at her bluntness, "Okay but I have to say one more thing."

Branca picks up the same folder she has been trying to read since she had first gotten there that afternoon, "What, David?"

"Who's crazier- the crazy man or the woman who would have sex with the crazy man?"

She throws down the folder, "DAVID!"

He lets out a 'whoop' of laughter and her reaction, "Sorry, had to say it."

"Sure you did. Now, be quiet and work."

He finally gets his laughter under control, "Alright."

The work in silence for a few minutes but, then, something comes to Creegan's mind that causes an evil smile to form on his face.

"Susan?"

"Hmmm?"

"Just out of curiosity- when you think about having sex with me, do you like regular sex or rough sex?"

She flings the file she is holding at his head, "SHUT UP!"


End file.
